Genre Shorties Wk 140: Twisted Newsbites

Tracy Fabre's Prompt: There is a list of great bad headlines here.

http://littlecalamity.tripod.com/Text/Newspaper.html

Among them are the classics:

Eye Drops off Shelf
Include your Children When Baking Cookies
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Woman Improving After Fatal Crash

What I'd like you to do is choose one of the headlines on that page, or one of the above, and write up to 100 words which would make that headline ACCURATE.

************************ So here goes:   

Headline:  British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

From Breakfast Bite Blog: The News Behind the News--In a show of national solidarity, Falkland Islanders stormed the British Embassy in Stanley today.

Television footage shows riot police using water cannons to disperse the extremists. A reliable but undisclosed inner source revealed that in fact, police were actually shooting maple syrup out of said cannons, in yet another botched attempt to appease angry citizens.

Sick to death of continued fighting, and sadly misinformed by headlines from Fox News & Friends, the temporary head of police was reportedly sipping tea and mumbling “For pity’s sake, Leggo my Eggo.”

 

Headline:  Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Frostbite Falls, Minnesota—Elmer Knudsonsen will recover from severe cuts suffered during pre-dawn milking on Saturday morning, although he has lost his index, ring and naughty fingers on his right hand.

Said Knudsonsen, 45, “I know I shoulda taken time to warm my hands, but honest-to-Pete, I just wanted to finish my chores and get back in the house.  Krista’d promised me a stack of Falkland waffles when I got done.”

Alleged assailant Bessie-the-cow denied all responsibility, and when asked if she felt remorse for what she had done, replied, “MmmmNNNNNOOOOOoooo!”

No wonder our kids are running off to the cities.

 

Headline:  Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder

High winds and extreme cold temperatures have been linked to mysterious disappearances in the northplains township of Mortification, Minnesota. 

Said alleged eyewitness Buddy Svensonderssen , “It was just like the blizzard  of October  ’82. My first wife, Lorna, had just downed a quart of buttermilk before heading out to the barn to see to the cows. She’d been nagging me about pulling my own weight, so I just let her go.

She headed out in the blizzard and right before my eyes, a big gust of wind blew and she plain disappeared – turned to powder!  Haven’t touched buttermilk since!”

Liz Husebye Hartmann